They don’t overthink the way humans do. They feel you and respond immediately, acting as a mirror, reflecting your feelings and fears.
Sandra slides off her shoes and sits down in the Bedouin-style tent facing the paddock, instructing us to do the same. A local Bedouin gentleman passes around hot tea while Sandra briefly introduces the soul session she and her horses are offering us.
“Horses’ minds are pure,” she says. “They don’t overthink the way humans do. They feel you and respond immediately, acting as a mirror, reflecting your feelings and fears.” Flies buzz about, zipping in front of our faces and diving into our tea cups. Some land on Sandra’s chin and cheeks as she speaks, but she remains poised. “When you enter the paddock, choose a horse you feel called to,” she says. “Don’t initiate contact. Just mentally set your intentions and wait for them.”
Her instructions seem vague, yet deliberately so. The horses are, after all, the leaders of this soul session. “Take notice of feelings and thoughts that arise, but don’t force anything,” she adds. We spend a few moments in silent meditation, connecting to our body and breath before she sends the first group of three participants into the paddock to join the horses. I remain seated in the tent, aware of my own medley of fears and feelings of skepticism, hope, shame, anticipation, and self-doubt already bubbling to the surface.
I observe the range of interactions between my fellow travelers and the horses already in motion: playful, tearful, aggressive, gentle, indifferent. Each horse’s behavior is noticeably distinct to each individual. A familiar panic consumes me.
When emotions from traumatic experiences can't be fully acknowledged, their energy gets stuck in our bodies.
You do love me. I feel love. I feel lighter. I feel whole.
I stand and return to the tent. Remaz also stands, but remains close to the fence, as if to reassure us she is still there, should we need her. “When emotions from traumatic experiences can't be fully acknowledged, their energy gets stuck in our bodies,” Sandra explains as we rejoin the group. “That stuck energy creates limiting beliefs and we unconsciously recreate the same painful experiences over and over again. It is only in connecting to these emotions that we can learn from them, release them, and change our beliefs and our life.”
It is said you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. In the same way, it seems horses can lead us to our demons, but they can’t make us deal with them. Remaz revealed some of the root causes of my anxiety: Painful memories and limiting beliefs I have been carrying—some since childhood. In reflecting my inner world with such unadulterated honesty and loving acceptance, Remaz created a nurturing space for me to do the same. She effectively led me to the water. But she can’t make me drink. Taking that sip—the work of sifting through the darkness, acknowledging past traumas, releasing toxic thought patterns, and creating healthy, new ones—is up to me.
Upon arriving home in Los Angeles, Fitzgerald felt her body was in LA but her heart was still dancing in the Jordanian desert. She immediately began making plans to return to Jordan and headed back there in July 2017 to continue the soul work she had started, prioritize her health and well-being, and explore more of this country that had so positively and powerfully impacted her. Her love of Jordan has led her to become a Jordan destination expert for Lonely Planet and kimkim, encouraging others to travel to Jordan and experience its magic for themselves. Her next adventure: a 400+ mile, 40+ day trek across the entire length of Jordan that she will begin on March 2, 2018.